I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We are fighting a lot but I still want to give us a fair chance, so do has anyone had any success with counseling?
My boyfriend and I are a unique case. We found each other after we’d both been through some seriously dysfunctional, abusive relationships and neither of us really knew HOW to have a healthy, functioning relationship. Well, he suggested that we start couples counseling from the start, to learn how to have a great relationship and give us the best chance possible to succeed. We did it, we started after we’d been seeing each other for a month and hadn’t even had a disagreement yet, and it has been WONDERFUL. We both look forward to it each week and things couldn’t be much better. We have learned excellent communication strategies and are learning how to not let past HORRIBLE relationships affect how we deal with each other. I would ABSOLUTELY recommend couples counseling to anyone and everyone. At least try it! It is NOT overrated!!!! best of luck to you. 
March 10th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
It’s over-rated.
Don’t go to counseling with a boyfriend. When things go wrong with a boyfriend you don’t lose time on him, you drop him. Counseling is for married people with children that have a lot to lose.
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March 10th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
4 years… that IS a lot to lose. I broke up with someone after 4 years, it was like a divorce, deciding who got which car, all our stuff etc. I would suggest counseling if for no other reason that to be able to say that you did all you could do and it didn’t work out or that you were having trouble, got help and are growing as a couple. Plus you may just get a new perspective on your arguments, you know, that fight you have over and over. Good luck to you.
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March 10th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Counseling works when both people are willing to work on themselves in order to benefit the relationship. One can only try to make things better. Most of the time it is just some simple mis-understanding based on conflicting personality traits and a professional can and will see this and take care of it.
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March 10th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
We went last year, 8 times together and 2 times individually. It didn’t change anything, but it did give me the confidence that I had tried.
If the other person isn’t going to change, they aren’t going to change.
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March 10th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
My boyfriend and I are a unique case. We found each other after we’d both been through some seriously dysfunctional, abusive relationships and neither of us really knew HOW to have a healthy, functioning relationship. Well, he suggested that we start couples counseling from the start, to learn how to have a great relationship and give us the best chance possible to succeed. We did it, we started after we’d been seeing each other for a month and hadn’t even had a disagreement yet, and it has been WONDERFUL. We both look forward to it each week and things couldn’t be much better. We have learned excellent communication strategies and are learning how to not let past HORRIBLE relationships affect how we deal with each other. I would ABSOLUTELY recommend couples counseling to anyone and everyone. At least try it! It is NOT overrated!!!! best of luck to you.
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The person who said that BOTH people have to go into it completely willing to work on themselves is absolutely right. You will both discover what you need to do to make the relationship succeed, and then you have to be willing to do the work to make it better. Go into it with your hearts and minds completely open and give yourselves a fresh start. Four years is WORTH fighting for!!!
March 10th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
It’s worth exhausting options and if nothing else perhaps you will learn something and improve yourself for your next boyfriend.
Self-help books in the sources.
References :
Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
His Needs; Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
The Dance of Intimacy
March 10th, 2010 at 9:17 pm
My husband and I went to counseling for 1 specific reason and it worked very well for us. Good luck!
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Personal experiance
March 10th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Fighting a lot. Over what? I agree with the answer that you are just boyfriend/girlfriend so why bother. Sex might be great, but that is overrated when it comes to what makes a relationship work.
You have just become comfortable in your situation. Step out of your comfort zone, go find someone new that is more compatible and closer to your same goals and visions.
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March 10th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
I have had excellent luck with a therepist. I even see her on my own every two weeks……It’s rough these days though to find a good counselor/therapist. I have seen around 5 individually and this is the only one I really liked. She listens, asks effective questions, isn’t too soft, and her tools actually work!!
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March 10th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
It depends on the therapist you see and also what your expectations are. My wife and I went a first time and were not satisfied with the therapist. He had trouble remembering us from week to week and took lousy notes. We seemed to doing better simply because we were both dedicated to getting better, rather than any help he was providing.
A year later things got worse, much worse. We went to a different therapist who took a completely different approach called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). This was back in February of this year. Since then, she and I have both noticed great changes in ourselves and in each other. We feel happier as individuals as well as a couple. We are both still very enthusiastic about REBT and constantly share it with friends.
I believe anyone can find a therapy that is good for them. You just have to be willing to look for it and dedicated enough to not give up if it doesn’t work out the first time you try.
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March 10th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
counseling = paying a stranger to teach you new nasty names to call each other
"Stop enabling me you co-dependent penis envying b*tch!"
"look who’s talking you misogynistic passive-aggressive pederast!"
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